Saturday, September 20, 2008

rules for future suitors

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Comments on "rules for future suitors"


Blogger graminokc said ... (6:13 AM) : 

Oh my gosh! I never comment on your blog, but I just couldn't let this one slide. I would have laughed my head off if it weren't for the fact that I agreed with everything on it. Just one thing to add. Instead of just any old folk's home in rule number 8, just bring her to Pap and Grammie's. I'll even bake some cookies.


Blogger Trent said ... (2:45 PM) : 

When Brandy brought a boy home one time I told him, "I love her more than I love my freedom." Neither of them was amused.


Blogger graminokc said ... (9:27 PM) : 

Pap thought Uncle Dave wrote that one.


Blogger tarisayl said ... (6:23 PM) : 

I've seen this before and I laugh every time. Dad used to make boys call him to request to date me (unless he already knew them from church) to weed out the bad seeds. It was kind of fun to see the scared boys at the front door when dad would answer it. Anyone who knows my dad knows he's not a scary man but those boys hadn't met him yet and were completely freaked. Tee-hee! :-)


Blogger Cari said ... (12:28 AM) : 

Ever hear of a muffler? Heh-heh-heh!
Ever hear of a ritual killing? Heh-heh-heh!
-Uncle Buck

I once was at church (!) on the sand volleyball court and someone mentioned something about my 14-year-old daughter and a boy whose parents were friends with my parents, and therefore seemed sweet enough...but not so. What they said (which I will not divulge and upset my innocent daughter unnecessarihickey) was enough to put me in a rage. Hell hath no fury like a redhead woman. Period.

Anyway, the next day, a woman at our church came up to me and asked me what happened on the volleyball court at church. I told her I didn't know what she meant, and she let me know that her 21-year-old friend that lived with her son and her vowed never to cross or upset me in anyway, especially where my daughter was concerned.

Another boy gave her a DVD that I didn't like. They haven't found his body yet.

You can put your bluff in, but you really should go ahead and show them what you're made of. Consequently, she can't get a date at our church.


Blogger jsi said ... (4:45 PM) : 

Exactly! Whatta list! The nail gun, the five acres, the Barrier, nothing soft or warm, the perimeter password, come out with your hands up - it's an entire riot!

Each rule, in place for a reason, speaking a truth deeper understood by every daddy in the audience.

People don't kill people.
Guns don't kill peopple.
Daddies with pretty daughters, they kill people.

I have to cut and paste this over to Dave - some boys have been calling for Abby (she's 11 and the apple of his eye). And he helps these young misters know that Abby is too young to talk to them on the phone, anything they want to share with her can be done in the lunchroom at school with witnesses, very quickly.

If the ball is left in his court, Abby and Kate will never date.

He can't help it, really -
it's just the daddy in him.


post a comment