Saturday, May 05, 2007


If I had a nickel for every time the devil distracted me…

I’ve just suffered my second great betrayal. Like so many things, it isn’t something that I can talk about on a public forum, so I can only say that it has been brutal.

During my first, I found myself thinking back to the story of Jesus when He suffered the betrayal of God, His own disciples, the Jews (His chosen people), and the world at large, which he had created. I tried to remind myself of the words, “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do” and I tried to adopt them as my own. I have to confess that I was sometimes able to do that, but mostly I was not. In fact, it took years to get over, finally happening gradually, almost ten years after it had taken place, and about two years after I had made a concerted effort to forgive the offending party by showing up at their door and confessing to them that, though it was my desire to forgive them, I had not yet been able to do it.

It’s a pretty arrogant statement, and a pretty arrogant state of mind though if you think about it. Who am I not to forgive and who am I to show up at someone’s door to proclaim that they are not yet forgiven. What an idiot to think that I have that right, as if trumpets should have sounded as I stepped from my car, or (apparently) the horse drawn carriage in my mind. This is me typing out loud.

And so I know that the party involved is not the enemy, and that I must forgive them because I too have been forgiven. That the forgiven servant who does not also forgive his fellow debtor is doomed. And I do not want to be doomed. But I would like to figure out the meaning of “guard your hearts and minds”. I don’t think I’ve ever truly understood what that means, let alone how to actually accomplish it.