tough questions

Well, it’s been so long that Phil (and maybe others) have no doubt struck me from their links list. And that’s ok. I’ve needed to take some time off and, who knows, may need a little more before it’s all through.

It’s been a tough couple of months. For those who have sent emails, thank you. You’ll be glad to know that neither my marriage, nor my ministry are in shambles. I’m also not suicidal or in financial ruins. You won’t be seeing me on the news or reading about me in any Christian publications. I’ve just managed to adopt a rather unhealthy lifestyle and a ministry schedule that has allowed for very little in the way of personal rest and devotion. I’m aware of that now and am trying to take the necessary steps to make those two things, along with marriage and fatherhood, a priority. But once you get started down that path, it’s very hard to reel it back in without disappointing or even offending people. So mostly it comes down to giving myself permission (or finding somebody else to grant me that permission) to say “no”.

So, after more than a month, what might bring me back to the world of online purging? Well, since I last vented, I managed to both walk through dog poo wearing only a pair of flip flops, and to reach into a trash can (rubbish bin) in the middle of the night only to come up with a handful of maggots. Both of these stories are absolutely true and I have not embellished in any way. In fact, I really could write entirely separate posts on both topics and easily fill a page up with my latest plans to rid the planet of big dogs, and of how I find it hard to eat now as most everything reminds me of those maggots. In fact, even as I type the word “maggot” I find myself looking around to see if they’re still on me. I think I need to go wash my hands again.

To be honest with you, I could be perfectly content to continue in silence if it were not for the event that took place last week. Chick Yuill’s resignation. Where do I start and where do I end? And do I even have the strength to engage in this discussion or to weed through the naive comments of “loyal” soldiers that may respond to this post. Or, what’s worse, do I have the strength to continue on should the spirit of fear that currently exists in our church keep people from commenting at all. I don’t know the answer to that question.

People get into ministry for all sorts of reasons. For some it’s power. For others it’s the desire (and gifting) to preach/teach. For others their personality wouldn’t allow them to be happy doing anything else than helping others. And the list goes on and on. Hopefully, for most of them, it also involves a calling.

I got into ministry for several reasons, but the longer I’m in it, and the more I get to know and understand myself and my past, the more I realize that I’m in ministry because of bullies. I look at my ministry and my passions and realize that most things I do revolve around helping people overcome bullies. It’s a personal vendetta. I admit that. When I help somebody else overcome a bully, it’s like I’m overcoming a bully myself. In fact, my rants on this very blog concerning the church are me taking on what I consider to be one of the biggest bullies in the world. And, in this case, a bully that is (I believe) actually keeping people from hearing the true message of the cross. So when I’m confronted with the current story taking place in our church, I find myself at a complete dilemma.

Now, for those of you who are not part of the Salvation Army, I apologize. I apologize because I just don’t have it in me to get into the entire story or to explain all of the ins and outs. If you’re really interested, go to google and type in Chick Yuill resign. It’s that big of a deal. But for those of you in the know, what can I say?

The spirit of fear that exists in our church right now is wrong. In fact, it’s sin. And even as I type this, I’m fearful of the repercussions. In fact, it wouldn’t shock me at all if I’m eventually contacted and asked to delete this very post. In fact, there’s my accountability. If this post is deleted, you’ll know exactly what happened here. People are afraid to say anything about this, at least publicly. And I’ve struggled with my own willingness to stick my neck out here, which is so unlike me. I’ve got a daughter now, and I’m responsible to meet (almost) her every need. But I also don’t want my daughter growing up with a father who is afraid to take a stand against sin. I’ve dealt with similar dilemmas before, but honestly, never to this extreme. I’ve never felt this much tension from both sides before.

What am I supposed to do here? The trend is to put our head down and go about our business, hoping we won’t be the next one to get singled out. Or even to believe that “blind acceptance” is the same as “being faithful”. But for all of you who believe that God ordains all church leaders, or that the decisions of praying, Godly men cannot be questioned, let me encourage you to go back and read your Bible. It is full of men, in high positions in the church, who were not put there by God. And it is even filled with men, put there by God, who went on to make ungodly and unblessed decisions. Saul comes to mind.

One of my first impressions of the Army was that it was a church full of unexplainable arrogance and spiritual pride. I believe those two things to be one of the biggest reasons our church has been in a decline for so long now. And yet here I still am, believing that God wants to do something with us.

And so, as I struggle through this, and wonder how to respond to it all, the following question is never far from my heart and mind; what would true repentance look like?