Sunday, June 04, 2006

the life of a pear

In the past two years (give or take) of writing this blog, I’ve been willing to ask the questions that we’re not supposed to ask and say the things that we’re not supposed to say. So in that spirit, I’d like to proclaim the following.

I would be happier if I were Richer and Thinner. That’s correct. I know what everybody says, and I know why they say it, but I’m still pretty sure that I would be happier with more money and less fat.

I went clothes shopping today. And, to make matters worse, I did it in London. Now, in case you’re not familiar with what it’s like to shop for clothes in London, think America, only twice as expensive and half the size. That’s right. Not only are the women in this country shaped like waifs, the men are as well, and so the clothes are made to match.

I knew that when I moved to this country and so, in light of it, I dropped about forty pounds. But I’ve run into two problems since moving here. Number one, despite what the British would like to believe, the food here is much worse for you. You can watch all the Supersize Me documentaries that you want, fact is, a chicken kabab is ten times worse for you than a Big Mac and fries (read that in a report the other day) and a chicken kabab is about the healthiest fast food that the British offer (pause here to debate the fact that the kabab is usually cooked and served by people who aren’t British but, believe me, it’s a dish that was created for the British market). Add to that the fact that the British love to serve everything in a pastry. The British claim to have invented the sandwich (and pizza, and colonization), but it’s clear to me that they quickly moved on from the bread and figured that pastry would be a much better choice. So, everywhere you go, stuff is being served like a pie. Even the fish is unhealthy as it’s coated in…fried, or whatever you call that stuff. And so, if you’re going to eat out here, you have to face the fact that you will not be eating well. (for the record, the reason Americans are fatter is because we serve/eat three times the helpings and we drive everywhere thereby getting zero exercise). My second problem is that I’ve recently become a father and there’s just no time for anything healthy. At all. And so, here I sit, having gained back a good twenty of the previously dropped forty pounds. Which brings me to today and the deep depression that I’ve fallen into.

I am shaped like a pear. It’s true. I’d like to go on nurturing the idea that I’m probably this cool, rock star shaped guy, hiding behind a blog. But the truth is, I’m this cool, devilishly handsome but, pear shaped guy, hiding behind a blog. And it’s depressing. And, when you spend an afternoon on Oxford street, walking around with all of the McJagger shaped people who only want to know if this shirt comes in an XS, it makes you want to either blow your brains out (which, incidently, is nearly impossible to do in this country with its strict gun laws…one more thing) or move back to American where you’re one of the average to small shaped people.

Sigh. I hate thin people and their stupid big dogs!

So here’s the thing. No matter what people say, I truly believe that I would be happier if I were richer and thinner. Think about it, confidence is everything. With confidence, you can deal with most of life’s problems. And I would be a lot more confident if I were thinner and had more money. Seriously. These are the two things I stress about the most (I am an unbelievably selfish/vain person) and I truly believe that I could deal with the rest of life if it were not for these two things. Loved one is in the hospital? That sucks. But at least I don’t have to worry about whether my shirt is showing off my love handles as I sit beside their hospital bed. Friend is getting a divorce? Oh man. But at least I don’t have to wonder if the airline is going to accept my credit card when I try to fly down to see him.

See what I mean?

Having said all of this, I do still have my hair. So at least there’s that.

Comments on "the life of a pear"


Blogger Larry said ... (2:46 PM) : 

actually i am a rock star hiding behind my blog...dude, three words, fruit and vegetables.


Blogger BrownEyedGirl said ... (9:47 PM) : 

I like this post! I laughed, I cried ;)..but mostly I liked your honesty and you must not be as vain as you think or you never would have posted it! LOL!


Blogger The King said ... (10:28 AM) : 

Ah, a post like this is like manna from heaven for me! Tim, i applaud your honesty, very stupid though!

Firstly, don't beat yourself up so much, you are American and so are expected to be fat, in fact it would be a disappointment to everyone if you weren't so just accept, get yourself comfortable on the sofa, make sure the remote isn't too far away (that could be construed as exercise) and enjoy those kebabs!

Secondly, to suggest that English cooking is worse when to an American home cooking is where you take something out of the packet and warm it up, albeit 'at home'. You are considered a cordon bleu chef if you actually have to add ingredients to a partially made meal! I salute the Americans culinary genius.


Blogger Tim said ... (12:06 PM) : 

Rich (the so-called king), if what you say is true, then how come you can purchase all manner of American culinary, in every restaurant, holiday resort, and grocery store in England (and all over the world), yet you can’t find English food anywhere but England?

Seriously. Ask an Englishman to take you out for traditional English food and you’re as likely to get a curry as a shepherd’s pie. It seems that even the English have given up on English food.

And as far as who makes home made food and who doesn’t…hey pot…you’re black. Give me a break. Turn your tv off, stop going to the movies for a year, and then we’ll talk.

Seriously man, when the French start looking down their noses at you, you know you’re sad.


Blogger The King said ... (1:25 PM) : 

The only reason English food isn't consumed the world over is ignorance, as a bible belt american this will be a term you are familiar with.

You do express a good point on the nature of English food, in that this could encompass a range of food, this is a positive however as we have embraced the other cultures that now inhabit this fair isle. Perhaps our american brothers could learn from this... for a start i'm surprised you know what curry is, can't get a decent one anywhere in america.

I have to admit that your wit confused me on the movies, and i refute your claims that i use pot! Also, you know full well that i won't be going to the movies for at least the next decade!!

Your last point, the French look down their noses at everyone, it's their national hobby!


Blogger Sean said ... (3:22 PM) : 

Pear... I understand your plight. Just imagine a sausage with other sausages sticking out it, and then give it some love handles. At least you don't walk on the backs of you 30inch length jeans.

mmm thinner.


Blogger Mel Reynolds said ... (3:00 PM) : 

Does the monday lunch club effect your self esteem too?

And here I am, sitting in the office eating a nice small portion of red bread and houmous for lunch and they're stuffing their faces full of chicken pies (batter was the word you were looking for, and also McJagger? Did you mean Mick Jagger?) and mounds of potatoes.

The cheek.

It's a hard life ain't it.


Blogger Cari said ... (2:50 AM) : 

You need to come back home in September and I'll take y'all to the Great State Fair and treat you to deep fried Twinkies and Oreos. (For dessert after the Indian Tacos, giant turkey legs, footlong corn dog with mustard and roast corn on the cob, but before the cinnamon rolls, cause we can talk in place while we're in line and make room for them...) Give us something bad for you and we will FIND a way to make it worse. You think it's bad now, wait til your kid's teen years and "the life of a really stupid apple" sets in.

Vegetables are not food. Vegetables are what food eats.


Blogger Sarah said ... (10:22 AM) : 

this is me all over. i went to the dentist the other day just to see what it would cost me and i found out that i am going to have to have no social life for 3 months (or food for that matter) to save up to get the work done that i need. God bless england NHS. but, on the flip side, that at least solves the feeling big side oh things, at least i wont be able to afford food and will automatically lose weight, albeit in a very unhealthy manner. ;)


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